Appreciate

I have been reminded again and again to always be happy and have fun

Fun in life is what will keep me going

I’d agree. Yet, having fun and be happy, sometimes not as easy as it seems.

It needed some efforts. For me at least.

 

Sometimes, I wonder whether I really do have a mental health condition. Is there something really wrong with me? Does that mean the people around me are always right and I am not? Does someone who suffers mentally sometimes has an opinion which requires validation?

Maybe not after all. Just, everyone does matter.

Dear Ramadan, sorry it has been a bumpy ride. Yet, really grateful to have you around again. Thanks for the opportunity thus far.

 

Till then.

 

 

 

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Intolerance to tolerance

It has to be today and not tomorrow

not a week after, it really has to be today

every day is a battle

no, I can’t make any promises.

“Honestly, do you really want to die? ”

Generally, yeah. I can’t help it. That’s how I feel.

“Okay, but it really isn’t worth it, isn’t it?

being in a disruptive state, making sacrifices ”

Worthy or losing it, didn’t matter.

It is about shutting every pain and feelings

just be free.

 

I know all of them care, that make it even more painful.

 

 

 

 

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A cry of a brother.

Loop

Do not engage with it, just have a look at it from a distance. Then, tell me how you feel?

What is unfair can never be fair

You just learn to live with things, whether or not you accept it

when the only constant is change

Along the way, you found out that pain is your only loyal friend.

You’d wish things to just be still

then you would just be gone

but mate, the world isn’t that linear

and the ending isn’t at the end of a straight road.

The Story of The Five Northern Light Hunters

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A bit of everything (Rena, Norway 23/12/16).

Alhamdulillah for the gift of great company. It has been the most wonderful trip – definitely an unforgettable one.

We reached Lofoten, Norway in a very mixed feelings when we realised that polar night would mean that we have limited daylight hours (2 to 3 hours max). On top of that, Lofoten has been raining quite bad and the chances are very slim to be able to see the Aurora.

Nevertheless, we pushed our doubts aside and try to give a try  – hunting for a dancing Aurora. The wind was not on our side and as we drove near Uttakleiv Beach (open space and sea), the wind was even worst and we were very much lucky that our car did not turn over because of the stormy wind. That first night, we decided to give up and drive back home because it was too risky to wait and hunt for more. Yet, we were grateful still for the glimpse of Aurora that we saw briefly when we were on the road.

The very next day, our driver was very determined to make the best out of our trip and not to dwell waiting for the appearance of the shy Aurora. We did some hiking, adventurous driving through the wind and simply connect with the vicious side of nature. We reached home—already accepting the fact that we will not be able to witness the Aurora. Just when the three of us were cooking in the kitchen for dinner, one person shouted, “Hey, I think it is Aurora above our house”. Then, just quickly, our driver grabbed her camera and jumped outside of the window and started to call everyone, that it truly is “The Aurora Borealis” that we have been searching for. I ran to the front and called out another one of us said, ” Hey,you don’t wanna miss this. Come quickly!”.

And there we are. Jumping in joy under the dancing Aurora above our head.

SubhanaAllah. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar.

Often, it is when you almost give up, that the victory is just a step away.

Alhamdulillah.

Smile

What if for every family who lives or born into this world, the probability of being a human is only about 30% and the rest of your siblings may end up as trees, mountains, lake and rivers. Well maybe, it is beyond logical but let us just give it some thought.

Will it make us more humble than the person we are today? We live in a society which will never miss on human interaction. Day and night. Some of us may have some alone time for recharge some don’t. But having a little brother for example, who is actually a tree, unable to have its own two hands and feet. However, breathes the exact opposite of gases; carbon dioxide and then provided you with oxygen to breathe. Will the idea of that make us more humble? The fact that we can still walk around to school, work and cook our own meal. Yet, for him, he’ll be stationary most of the time yet growing. Maybe you could boost yourself with the thought of having a sustainable little brother. You and him, both complement each other and that has allowed you to survive and him as well.Will it change eventually on how we treat others?

Think to have a mountain as your dad, and he has been holding your ground. What would then be your treatment to other mountains nearby you ? What if rocks are your friend ? Yet you can’t converse with them but being hopeful that both of you understand each other. The silence between all of you only represents a peace of mind. Do you smile widely then? Happy and content?

Lakes, rivers and all the other animals are like brothers and sisters. We are made into different configurations yet we calmed one another. In need of each other. Consciously or not, we do depend on one another. If we belong to the same configuration, say the race of mankind, then wouldn’t it be more harmony then?

We can chat about things that amazed us. Cook meals and dines together. Laugh hard over life while patting each other on the back because we have hands to do so. Give free hugs to those in need, maybe when oxygen and positivity are lacking in their hearts and mind; that they needed some assurance. The gifts of structurally similar organs and languages to understand.

Maybe. Just maybe…

a smile suddenly brings thousands of meaning and depth of everyone’s smile felt more like a hug.

Give, what you have best

Give, and you will be given.

The inspiration for this post is related to the story on one particular robotic coaster that were bought last year in a set of four. At times, I thought that it is best to name things that you provisionally own, maybe somehow a subtle connection can be formed. Be it a sense of appreciation, compassion, gratitude etc. Yes, when we come to name things; the conscious status of the things in particular seem to have one of the windows to our soul.

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Last picture together of Sane, Trust, Fear and Love

Hence, the coasters were given names, to all four of them; Fear, Trust, Love and Sane. They were treated like brothers and sisters, frequently used side-by-side on a coffee table (read: study table of a student) because one single student at times drink three to four types of beverages and maybe some friends came by and had freshly brewed chai latte tea together. For a such get-together, Fear, Trust, Love and Sane were used as coasters and make the life of an introverted student somehow complete.

School starts and fresher’s week has just ended. Yet, one of the people in my circle got contracted with freshers’ flu although, I found myself difficult on connecting the dots when instead she is already beyond half way of her degree.  We paid each other a visit in the kitchen and prepared a warm honey drink for the one infected with the freshers’ flu and I walked back into my room, grabbed Love from the top of my table and placed a cup of the warm honey drink on top of Love. Days went by, weeks passed and I caught myself remembering that I left Love at the other side of the world and I am okay with it. I have decided to give Love to that friend of mine and I thought it really is okay to be left behind with three out of the four; Fear, Trust and Sane.

I chose Love and hand it over as I thought it will help my friend in her speed her recovery though it may technically be just a flu; a physiological conditions, however, I had hoped she will get a boost on her mental status and motivation. My experience on my depression has helped me to gain insights on the relationship between physical and mental sufferings. Handing over Love reminded me on the temporal nature of this life and I believe it is always fine for all of us to give our very best to others. It was a shame when the last time I thought that Fear, Trust, Love and Sane complete me. It appears our lives fold into much greater completeness in its perfect imperfection when we share part of ourselves with others around us, reminded me to add: hopefully, all of us do so with no ulterior motives (read: be kind with no hidden agenda unless driven to reason your very existence).

To Future,

I hope with Fear, Trust and Sane, we will be able to make life on this World a beautiful place. There may be days that I will not have Fear, Trust and Sane stick around me all the time. Yet, may their depart soon or later, mould me humble. As for the time we have left, let us cherish them while it lasts.

Good things don’t really stay. It is our role to keep the good things going like the conveyor belt at a sushi store. Once it is gone, we seek for its replenish from Al-Muqit,The Nourisher and then BAM! You’ve got your chains of goodness.

and…the best is yet to come.

 

One Percent to Nobody

If people is what you seek all along, then know that there are people who are NOT better off without you. The majority of the people that you come across in life, 99% of them will definitely walk away from you. That is simply the nature of life. It is how the world is designed. If you care to look into it deeper, see people around you as superficial; on the surface-basis like the shell of an egg. What matters is the taste that the egg brings, or the essence and the after-effect of how people affects you, how they leave you be; whether their existence has shaped you to be stronger or has impregnated within you, a catalyst to let you fall into a deep, dark and a lonely grand canyon.

The key here is that, the remaining 1% matters to you and although their number may seem small and insignificant but they are the ones who are not better off without you. Your absence will bring loss to them and fighting for yourself for them, is such a great gift that Lord The Most Merciful has bestowed upon you. You have no idea of how you are like to these one percent. In return, be a somebody to nobody. Treat people with kindness and honesty. Some say, kindness is subjective and if that is the case, evil itself is subjective as well. Breaking Bad. Truth is, do not make any quick assumptions on things that you have least knowledge of. Instead, give out prayers and flares. Hopefully, you will be among the 1% to nobody.

” Take it slow, wait for them to ask you, don’t make any sudden moves, you don’t know the half of the abused”.

Dear ONE PERCENT TO NOBODY out there, you meant a world. Thank you for all the life advices. To the remaining 99%, thank you for teaching me to get lost in life. I have learned to walk away from myself thanks to you. However, thanks to you too that I have got the opportunity to feel the bitterness of truth and I Found Me.

Equally Important [EI]

Everyone is equally important. You are EI as everyone else. These words struck me today said by an experience academician at the university. It reminds me of the sense of belonging that I had and kept with my band mates, close friends and group mates in my third year. I want to talk about it because EI means that we are always affecting one another. In simple chemical engineering terms, being able to design a chemical reactor distinctively does not make you the best or better than everyone else. Although yes, you may have designed it cheap and efficiently but there is always a room for an improvement. Just maybe that it is not sustainable enough, the green engineering loop cannot be exactly applied and hence, we gather everyone to work. During those times, you are passionate, whirling with excitement and ideas so that this nature is less hurt, the environment is synchronised with the society, people of the world and ultimately, assimilate until both parties left unhurt. At this coalescing stage, when applied in psychology context may refer to communication, a true and honest communication with an objective pair of eyes.

I believed honesty will make you equally important to everyone. A bridge of humanity bond is constructed at every turns of events when the service of honesty and delivery of truth forms the foundation. You are making a big mistakes when you tell others when ‘help’ came for only you and not others though you are being rescued from drowning in an ocean. At the time, ‘help’ is not only to the advantage of physically saving your lives but the realisation that death is upon everyone eventually may just be an awakening call to those who are rescuing you. After all, everyone wants the best for the whole and for every actions lies an invisible string of accountability. Maybe not to the leaders or people but surely to God. I guessed cherishing the ideas can draw you closer to the concept of mercy. God instilled mercy in each of us and cultivating it can perhaps be fulfilling our purpose here. Only if you think, there is any.

Even so, I may simply appeal as a coward in the public, merely writing down my thoughts process from my keyboard hoping I could make a tiny bit of difference in this world. What is there to change? What is…out there, who or what needs my help, my thoughts and ideas? I can never know, only you know, only if each and everyone of us coalesce in honesty with mercy.

Admit it. Forgive yourself and others.

The pen is mightier than a sword. Words can change lives for the better and in due course, turns out being sustainable for the future.

Dissociation in foreign state

I am really happy and grateful that finally on this blessed Friday, I found my therapist to understand how does it really feels when my scale of mental health is 0. It seems that our mind can reach to the point where it has lost control of its behaviour. Sometimes, it is called as split but not as in personality split, however, a person can find he or she to be distant from who they really are, not recognising oneself and starting to initiate its immediate coping mechanism for short term survival. Some people may opt for instant relieve such as self-harming, cuts, suicidal triggers etc. As for me, the dark corners, gives a soothing fragments of safety and being as a form of escapes.

Nevertheless, it stroked me from the questioning by my therapist on why would I let it/others have power over me? and for how long is it going to be? The session I had today was really challenging and yes, I want to be up to the challenge till the point that the challenges are tired of me.

A 5 means get up on time, hopeful and content.

0 means guilty, ‘Isolated’ and ‘ruminating’.

“Positivity usually outweighs negativity”. Good Luck!