Hawariyyun

Two or few hours or so until the plane departs. Here I am, rushing and browsing through my packed bags trying to get some weigh down. I came across to an English tafseer of Quran and I thought, I don’t have a need on it. Flipped through again, accidentally touched my blue Quran that I bought in college. It caught me into thinking and then changed my mind, I brought the two Quran to university ~ for an unknown reason. It is just gut instinct.

I have left Quran since primary school and failed almost all of assessment on hafazan. I graduated from college with an F on Islamic Studies, particularly the quranic assessments. However, I do treasure the teachings on Quran that I had from my nanny. That is just it. Nothing more. I left the Quran before because of the traumatic experience I had with religious people and ever since, it has never motivated me to reopen the Quran and read. After a few months in my first year at university, I found that my brain is in need more of just home works or assignments. Works were never enough. Again, I encountered with religious people and slowly I started to reread the Quran. To my surprise, actually enjoying it.

Until the third year, Quran was addictive. It supposed to be. It is our guidance. It guides me every time and my best friend accompanying my thoughts while I am studying. It is what my world is made up of. Alhamdulillah. I have had experience in my second year, being around people whom I would really call them Hawariyyun. I really do miss them though, because every week, with them… We would learn the Quran together. Slowly though, I improved on my reading. It is an automatic motivation switch to read, read and by the end of the day, smile. ” INDEED, MY PRAYER, MY SACRIFICE, MY LIVING AND MY DYING ARE (ALL) FOR ALLAH, THE LORD OF THE WORLDS.”

I am again scared. Perhaps, after sometime. I chose to leave the Quran again. Maybe until I  have the courage to past over the trauma. Until when I am not stuck and get things figured out.

Dear Quran, I hope to read you real soon. Ar-Rum. Just again and again, without any trauma or flashbacks. It is my second Ramadan in search of meaning.

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