The thoughts of suicides still tempts me. Fortunately, alhamdulillah they begin to fade. Slowly insyaAllah.
If I let being dragged to the past and contain with no doors unlocked, suffocation will soon starts back. I am really glad my counsellor really impressed with my current mental health, since the graph showed a steep decline. It is good and this momentum has to keep going. I may not and will never be able to face the actual scene again since reliving those scenes can be made easily like a blink of an eye. Well, I may have not been better at all but at least doing out of love of self, family and loved ones—since this life comes with a responsibility.
The responsibilities that I have known will soon departs from me and it is now good to officially bear in mind, I have dismissed. And so, it does not have to be death to be dismissed. It simply takes acceptance and a meaningful distance. I believe the world’s nature is better off in imperfections, because imperfections in the eyes of human is perfect to the eyes of God.
Today was bread knife and some explicit flashbacks. Remembrance of mum, dad, big sis and brother and also emie and hayah and grand nanny helped me to stop. I found high degree of truth in the statement of people suffering from self-mutilation that it is not that they wanted to die but the pain is so overwhelming and since their channels of feelings been cut-off, they are left with no options but to see the red liquid to feel the numb —in this case; pain and agony.
I would refer myself as grey cloud since I do have a grey cat with me all the time. I can easily infects other beautiful white clouds, and because of me they get saturated with water and rain falls. Since quite a number of people who didn’t really like the gloom that I have made to the Earth, my neighbouring clouds got angry at me. I decided to part my ways from all the white, shiny clouds and live on my own at my pace. Just me, the grey cloud and my buddy, the blue sky.
Giving up does not mean the end of world. Some things are worth to give up as tickets to the Eternal.