Propranolol, sertraline and antiseptic as breakfast.
First step, I figured that what I have is an illness and my thoughts are illness as well. What I feel is truth but perhaps truth lies. My perception is distorted. However, I guessed it is valid for me to feel disappointed and angry at those who gave up on me. Gave up on being friends, not turning up and perhaps it may seems that they are moving on and unfortunately, I am not.
It may seems like an endless hardships but I am feeling happy and weirdly grateful upon this tribulation. I think that Allah introduced me to what is called as mercy, His mercy and the experience of mending. Upon my every attempts and self-harming habits, He kept me alive each day. He’s still there, instilling fear every time I am holding a knife or detergents in my hands. I am grateful for the motivation I had to still converse with Him although I may be defected in the eyes of those who left and consequently, being pushed away as well.
I am also happy because I can be truly be honest with what I feel (my suicidal thoughts etc.) with my family members. No matter how morbid or distress it is, my mom listens just like how my counsellor and doctor listens. I have well supportive group mates whom visited me at home when I am just not able to make it to the meetings. Allah is caring upon me and I need to keep believing on it. This illness, I cannot lose to it. I have a future and purpose to yet fulfil.
Please do not be a victim of what you preach. People, I have limited reservoir of human interactions. Being around people just felt too much for me. Yet, I care about you although how mentally ill I have became. I know God instilled mercy upon mankind in me and having learned so far, I will not withdraw from people as I how I felt people treated me. My mom keep advising me, not to give up. In distant, I have friends who really care and won’t turn their backs. They won’t locked their doors. Above everything else, I have hayaa around me. Till the days when we part, I know it will be for the best.
Thank you to all who reached out. Hopefully, I will not be a victim of my own thoughts.
May our sanity intact and shower sincerity in every of our actions.
Mom, I will grow strong. Even if the whole wide world, crushing me to pieces.